Why My Life Review Only Showed the Good (And What That Means) - Holly Porter's NDE Story

Welcome To Grieving Awake

Joya · 0:00Welcome to Grieving Awake. I'm your host, Joya. This is a space for conversations about loss, love, consciousness, and the mysteries that change us. Together we'll explore what grief asks of us, what it reveals, and how even in the breaking, we can find a deeper way of being alive.

Speaker · 0:20Holly, thank you so much for joining me on this episode of Grieving Awake. And I know you personally, and I am just so honored to have you here and for you to share your story. Thank you.

Holly · 0:34I love when people I know ask me to do things with them. It's so fun.

Speaker · 0:37I know it makes it a little more personal, right? Yes. Yeah.

Holly · 0:40I might tell you a little more juicier stuff too.

Speaker · 0:42Ooh, all right. Let's see what unfolds. Well, why don't we just dive right into it and share your story about your near-death experience? I would love to.

Holly · 0:51Gosh, it's such a long story. So I you interrupt me if you need clarification. It does not offend me, but sometimes I get so into something that you're like, whoa, wait a minute, talk, say more. Okay. So just everyone listening know that if she does that, I I want her to. Um, gosh, and it is such a long story. So I want to preface my story, and it's a near-death story that she probably mentioned before. That um there are there are different things I didn't know for about two years after my experience. So a lot of people say it takes like up to 10 years to unravel an experience like this. For me, it's not even been been five. We're creeping up on five years, but I didn't know that there were different names for things. So there's out of body, there's spiritual transformative, and then there's near death. So you have OBO, no, O B E, S T E, and N D E. And I did those right, I think, even though I'm dyslexic. So I didn't know that. And once I knew that and could identify all these things I was having happening, I could specifically know which one was which. And I also could identify a bad dream or a lucid dream or just a dream. So it that that just want to say as I'm telling this, that's kind of just news to me that I didn't know beforehand. I hadn't really I knew about Andy E's, but I really didn't do a lot of research on them, and I hadn't really listened to maybe I think one my whole life. So, like, you know, I was I was very religiously brought up, and so that was a huge

COVID Hits And The ICU Begins

Holly · 2:20shift for me is to have all this happening. So for me, I was a really healthy person, and I literally got maybe a cold once a year. Maybe I just never got sick. So I didn't think during COVID, we all suffered, not just me, we all suffered, the whole world suffered some way or other. I just didn't think I'd get it. I was about halfway through that nonsense. It was fall of 2021, and I went to the e-women conference, which is where I know Joya from. Uh, my husband calls it the COVID conference, joking, of course. They did everything right to protect us under the guidelines we had, because right, we nobody knew anything, including the doctors. They really knew nothing. Um, so every case was so different. And I came home, thought I just had the flu. I literally literally got up the second day I was home and showered. And you know, when you're like dripping wet, like your makeup's coming off as fast as you're putting it on. Some menopausal women will understand that as well. But I was so sick, and I was pitching in front of nine people to partner this company I had called Retreat R, and they had a billionaire backer. So I was not gonna miss that meeting because I I was in it. So I I pitched them, I just said, Look, I'm not 100%, just understand. I think I've I think I have the flu. Went home, tested, had COVID, spent a week in in a little fifth wheel. My husband and I were living in behind my dad's house. Trust me, it was like a spa. We weren't roughing it, but we were in between houses. We had a house under contract, which ultimately we we lost and had to give back because we couldn't close on it because they didn't know if I would live. So I end up after a week, intuitively knowing I'm in big trouble. I couldn't breathe. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. And this has been a whole week now. I'd been home and I hadn't even left the RV. Like people were leaving food. I don't remember eating. I don't even, I mean, literally, it was a blur. But when you know you're in trouble and you're listening to your gut, I woke my husband up, who I brought COVID home to as well. So he was behind me a couple of days, didn't get hospitalized, but did have oxygen, blood clots, things like that. Miraculously, we didn't even consider calling paramedics to come get us because I don't know, we just didn't want to give it to anybody. We were so worried how we felt. We didn't want anyone else to go through. And he drove us there. He says, I dropped you off at the front of the ER and I went to go park. And we all know how long the ER takes. He said, by the time I walked back in, the ER, he said they already had you on your way to the ICU. Like they knew I was I had hours left, probably. I had my oxygen, was at 63, organs were starting to shut down. It was not good. So about four days into that, I probably refused to be put on a ventilator because I'm really holistic and I mean, I didn't want to go there and die. You know, I didn't, I just knew I was not doing well. Uh day four, they did put me on a ventilator. The first time I was on it twice, and then I had a trachea. I ended up getting sepsis in the second hospital. Um, the first hospital, I got a couple other infections that they said were worse than COVID. So those should have taken me out. Um, I'm not a one percenter, I'm a five to ten percenter of chances of living. Um, but I started immediately having out-of-body experiences, and like I said, I didn't have a name for that, but I'll tell you a little bit about those because it's just like all part of the story that you get to hear somebody that had all of them.

Out Of Body Journeys Back In Time

Holly · 5:42And the out-of-body were taking me back to a little town called Perwin, Utah. And it's only about 15 minutes away from where I live now. I knew I knew where I was at in this pioneer, old pioneer home. Well, it wasn't new, it wasn't old then because I was back in time, but I knew it was some relative, and I verified later that it was my great-great-great-grandfather's home. When I toured it, it took me two years to go there. They have it as the city owns it now, and um my family runs it, like they do tours and things. And so I went a couple years ago from now and went, uh, toured it, and oh, it was just so creepy to see the stuff that they had remodeled a couple of times, but like the original staircase was there, the dirt floor that I saw in it, was all still there.

Speaker · 6:29And you had never been there before, Holly.

Holly · 6:31Well, I yes, I had be when my kids were little, we did a cousin's camp little tour there, and I think they had renovated it one time after that, but they left like the whole front of the house was all the original, they just like updated it. But the staircase, you know, you don't have to redo those, right? It was a spiral, but it still had the dirt floor, and uh yeah. So, anyway, it was just interesting to go back and like verify, you know, you're not crazy when you're actually physically there. And they told me the house was built 165-ish years ago, so that's more the time frame I was back there. My grandfather didn't live there much, he was he served uh missions all the time for his church, so he was gone a lot. Um, so I was kind of glad to hear that because there were a lot of really creepy things, and for a long time I wouldn't even talk about it because I was like, Am I defaming my family? You know, like we all have drama, we all have stuff, but I was like, what is going on? And there was just there was a lot of darkness, it seems like. So I don't, I don't know. I'm still putting things together, uh, I still get little drips of things all the time, which I love because I don't think I could have handled it all at once, but I would go. I I've never heard anyone else say that they would travel in their bed, but I would travel in my bed, like I was outside of my body a lot in my hospital room watching. I was never like floating on top, like people say. I was just in the room and I would watch, and I just knew that if I was gonna go on this journey, I might not get my body back. It's in the bed, and it's just gonna come with me. So I would take my bed and we go on these journeys together, and I wouldn't stay in it when I got to where I needed to. It was like my traveling mechanism or something, I don't know. So we get to these out-of-body experiences. I was always back in time or current time, I never went forward in time. So, um, but there were a lot of like kind of like some dark things that happened and some really intuitive things being aware of while I was there. And um, yeah, it just so fast forward that those those were all the experiences I was having. Then I was on the ventilator for quite a few days, and then I was doing better, so they took me off. So I know exactly when the near-death experience happened because of what the series of what was going on. So uh between the first and the second intubation, I was signing papers when they intubate you both times. They make I don't even know how many, I don't even remember all that. I remember though, them making sure I was clear enough to sign. They can only intubate you when you're kind of doing better, like you're at a place where because you while they're doing it, you can't breathe, you know. And if you're already struggling, that's so there was this all these circumstances around that.

The Stadium Of Light And Life Review

Holly · 9:10Well, I remember when I was going to the near-death experience, I left my room now in my bed and I had signed stuff. So, of course, that was top of mine. And I'm going down the hallway and I'm shaking my finger at the nurse's station saying, I rescind my DNR, I rescind my DNR, which is do not resuscitate. I don't even know if I had one, actually. I keep forgetting to actually go check. I but okay, let's just say with COVID, it's different. I'm not like brain dead, you know. I didn't get a car wreck where I'm on this ventilator for that reason. It's because I had COVID and I was sick. Give me a chance, you know. So anyway, I would I would have probably not had one under those circumstances, but that's what I thought. So I'm saying that, and as I'm going down the hospital corridors, I'm not just feeling, but I'm seeing other beds, you know, be pushed down the hallways as well. We had two floors in the hospital, half of them were dying that were in the hospital that time. It was the Delta version, which I think was still the far the worst at that time. And so I think those were just other people dying, going with me, and I was seeing them. And so we get to the end, and then we're at like what I call a stadium. So, like the biggest stadium you can think of, but it was way, way, way bigger because it held hundreds and thousands of people. So we got in the sky boxes because we were in bed, so we got the nice rooms or whatever, and then there's this like positive time, and then I'm out of my bed and I'm in the stadium. And oh my gosh, it was like you there was not a negative thought, emotion, anything that you it like didn't even exist. It was it was all joy, it was all love, it was all peace. Um, so you don't even have those thoughts. And my senses I remember like, oh, spidey senses, everything was like on fire. Like I could I the see, the hear, the smell. And I will say before that, I'm in the hospital bed, I had lost all five senses. So they had tied my hands to the bed. So you know, I wouldn't pull my ventilator out that I never wanted to do because I was getting breath from that. Then they so so touch was gone, taste and smell were gone from COVID. Um, I can't, I'm way past legally brind, blindly. So, unless without correction, I couldn't see who anyone was unless they were about eight inches in front of me, and they all were wearing a yellow hat, a yellow mask, some kind of eyewear, a yellow gown. Everybody looked the same. And then my hearing, the ventilator took like 90% of it away. So I just tease and say, sounded like the Charlie Brown school teacher. And so I was in a coma a lot of that time, and I was a happy camper. Just wake me up when it's over. I don't care what side I come out on, let's just put me out because it was miserable. So to be in this experience, and now all my senses and I mean everything's everyone's in bright and white clothing. There was all of this like matter. I don't know how it's explained it. It was like fog, but I could see so clearly through it. But it was there, you know, like floating around. And I remember looking down and I could see feet, so I knew nobody was standing. I mean, I knew nobody was sitting, they were standing. And and then just the knowledge, like it was telepathic, and it was like you could look at someone, and if I had a thought, it was like I already had an answer before I even finished the thought, you know, it was just like you know, and so I know a lot of that was going on, and not just like with one being, it was just you know, I probably looked at someone, thought something had my answer looked at them. I don't know, but just it was I was learning, and then all four sides of me, I could hear the music come on, and the most beautiful angelic sound I'd ever heard. I just remember, I mean, you'll appreciate that, I know you're so musical. So I was just and I think just that um it was like I have the gift of knowing, and I always have, and people that have that, you know what I'm saying. It's people say to you a lot, Well, how do you know that? I don't know, I just do. I'm I'm not psychic, I just do know that. And it was like the gift of all knowing because you could learn so fast, whatever you didn't know, you would know. And so I didn't know any of the words to the I'd never heard the music, I'd never heard the words, but I was singing along because I think it was just that gift of all knowing. So I loved sing. I joined in and uh enjoyed that experience, and the next thing I know, I'm having my live review, and in my live review, it's it's like a play, it's like I was sitting in front of watching it, but I only had to see the good, and I didn't question where's the bad because you don't have a negative thought, and so I'm just like watching service, acts of kindness, the love I gave, the hugs I gave, you know, just all the good things that I knew I had done. And then I'm basically sitting there being told information, and I didn't get a choice to come back, I got sent back, and to be honest, I mean it makes me sad for my husband. I always tell him, I'm really sorry, but I just wouldn't have come back. I there was no reason why I would have come back to here. I said I can I could be on the other side helping my my uh kids and grandkids way more than what they're what I'm doing here, but I I didn't get a choose, so I'm told two things. I'm told the company that I pitched that I was talking about earlier, I'm told not to partner with them. That wasn't the highest and best thing for the company, and I wasn't told like, oh, you'll find out later, which I did, but like it was just like this is your instructions, it's not the highest and best thing to do, it needs to be your own. Done, you know, that that's like this is what you do. And the second thing I was told was to start a nonprofit called Adventure Bucket Wish, but I wasn't given the mission, and I didn't question any of that. Like, I didn't question anything. The next thing I know, I'm in my body, you know, suffering still, and on the ventilator. And my sister Jill happened to be in the room with me that day. I could have one person every 24 hours until I was on the trachea about three and a half late weeks later. My husband couldn't even come because he was so sick they wouldn't even let him in. So that was really a sad situation. But she happened to be there in between this first and second intubation that day, and she said, you know, you you woke up, woke up, and she's like, You looked really uneasy, so I couldn't talk because I had the ventilator. So she went and got this paper with the alphabet on it, and I could point to letters, but I could it take forever because I didn't even have energy to even lift my hand, you know. It's I remember it would take so long, and I would get frustrated a lot of times and not even finish because I was just like, Never mind, I gotta go through this to communicate a word. Never mind. They were so intuitive to me and they were so protective of me, so grateful for them. I know having them there saved my life as well. Um, she said, I got that out and you started spelling K I D. And she's wanting to help me. She's like, Do you need me to tell your kids something? I'm like, N A P and she said, When you spell kidnap, first of all, I had ran an errand because they said you were doing better, they were gonna take you off the ventilator. And I like want to grab the garbage can and just throw up, she said, because I was just like, What happened while I was gone? You know, you were better. And just as soon as I communicated that to her, she says, The nurse and the doctor walk in to exhibate me and take the ventilator off. So they do that, and I'm and then they leave, but I there's like three spirits in my room, and I wasn't afraid. I mean, so it was weird that I was saying kidnap. Like, I was like, there's a lot of confusion because I'm like, why am I saying kidnap? These people I'm not afraid of. And I mean, she's open in the closet, the drawers, the bathroom door, trying to show me no one's in here. I realized quickly I'm the only one that could see them. Okay, whatever, you know, I'm probably hallucinating, you know, whatever I'm thinking. I don't know. So then she says, You when they took that out, you could talk. You you you had a lot to say. Um thinking, she goes, You couldn't talk very good, but you were carrying on. And I thought, yeah, I bet I did have a lot to say. And so then I'll I'll fast forward a little bit because that was like kind of the end of that, and always that question, you know, but why did I feel kidnapped? Like, why would I come from this place of love and peace and joy and you know, all positive to you got kidnapped? Okay, so I'll tell you why. So, well, I'll fast

Orders To Build Purpose After Survival

Holly · 17:40forward. So after that, immediately I start. I mean, I was so sick for so long. I was on oxygen for a I don't know, long, long time. It's about a year and a half that I really got long COVID. All the diagnoses medically started coming in. Going in with no drugs, coming out on 12, being a holistic person was devastating. So worked very quickly to get off everything I could um within reason, which was most everything. I was drug free for a long time. And I just was focused on better's better every day. What can I do today to be better than I was yesterday? I still hold that motto true. I still ask myself that all the time because I was really focused on wellness. Well, about four months in, I had my 501c3, like in 25 days, I got that. I had it incorporated and I had my uh software company incorporated. Normal behavior for me, you know, start more than one thing at once, always, you know. So it was just like carry on, didn't question anything. I just knew that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm gonna do it. Decided the mission for the nonprofit was gonna be for long COVID, which changed a couple years later, and we can talk about that in a minute. And uh, so yeah, we made it for long COVID. It was an underserved community, nobody knew anything about it. There was over at that time a hundred million sufferers from long COVID. 100 million. So I didn't think we'd ever run out of people, you know, to serve. So uh, but then about the fourth month out of the hospital started what I call my two years of hell.

Two Years Of Hell And Unprocessed Grief

Holly · 19:09It was almost two years of the worst days and the darkest days I've ever had. It's like taking a hundred bad days, the worst days you've ever had, and times it by a hundred. That's how heavy I felt every day. I was praying every day I would have died. I thought, why did you save me to put me through this? Like, what is happening? Um, I feel like every relationship I had, I was repelling, minus a couple close friends, a couple. I have nine kids in our family. I felt like I only trust a couple of them now. Um, you know, just my kids, everything. I was like, you think they'd want to be closer to me because I almost died and they almost lost me, and I'm a better person now. I'm not a worse person. It was like I repelled everybody, and it was really, really some dark times. My husband, thank heavens, I had the best husband, and he he was there. I didn't understand though the complexity of it, really what he he was suffering too, because of things, some things we were going through. And so, and they didn't end well. So, two years finally get to the point where it's like that surrender piece that I talk about in my shift acronym of my book. It's like when you need help, you just surrender to whoever that is, whether it's to God for you, higher power, to a relationship, whatever it is, you surrender and realize I need more help than I'm getting because nobody does it alone. So that happened, and then the healing really started to begin when I just got to that point. Whereas like I physically, mentally, emotionally, financially have done everything I possibly can do to change this situation, and I lost. And you know, and I don't like losing. So I walked away just thinking, okay, we're just starting from ground zero

IANDS And Hypnosis Reveal Darby

Holly · 20:47now. And then I found a conference called IANS, it's International Association for Near Death Studies, and I went to it. I knew I was supposed to go like three weeks before. So I went to that. That's where I found out about all these extra acronyms we were talking about in the beginning. And I realized I had all of those. Wow, you know. And so I was just learning mode, but I was still I was still kind of recovering because this is like the end of August, and I really didn't feel like I came out of everything until about December, two years in. And I really was prompted to, I'm certified for hypnosis, so I'm very aware of the process. And so I was prompted to get a hold of my mentor that trained me. So I've been trained for 10 years, and said, Hey, would you? I had all these experiences. I remember most everything about them except the near death, there's some pieces missing. Can you do a hypnosis session on me to see if I can get some of those pieces figured out? I just felt really strong about that. That's about the same time I toured the house of the 165 year old house, pioneer home. So I was really just starting to get on my healing journey. Just like I gotta leave all this trauma, all this. I mean, trust me, if you spend any time in the ICU, you're gonna have PTSD. You're gonna have all kinds of crazy, crazy going on. So I did. That with him, and it was almost I always hesitate to say it, but it really was almost like having another near-death experience. It it healed me. Like I just when I say to people, when you have an inkling, an intuition, when you know how that got feeling, go with it. Because it's, I would say 99.9 times right. Even though you might make a different decision, it probably was the right one. And you just didn't listen. And I just knew this was the right thing to do. So so this tells the rest of the story a little bit of what I was telling earlier. So I end up in this hypnosis session, and I end up in this place called what I call the in-between. Wasn't dark and it wasn't light. The dark was on the right side of me, and the light was on the left side of me. And I'm just in here, and all that matter that I saw that was bright and white that I could see through, but it was still, it was foggy, but I could see so clearly. Well, now it's like shadowy colors, you know, silver, cobalt, blue, and black and gray, and they're swirling around, but they would like the energy of it would get go together, it would form a heart and it would float to the left. And I remember going, ah, even the darkness, dark's track attracted to the light, you know, that's what it was saying. And then we realized there's an entity there. And I wasn't afraid, I knew it wasn't light, but it I didn't feel evil either. And so in hypnosis, if you know the process or you understand how that worked, you can actually talk to whoever you're dealing with, whether it be a parent, a friend, a situation, an entity in this case. So we we go through that process, we realize he tells us his name is Darby, which I had never heard. And in the next month, I heard it three more times in three different situations. So that was weird. So then we're talking to Darby. Darby said he didn't know me, but he couldn't go to the light and he couldn't have his own light. So we wanted mine. And while I was writing my book just last year, it's not in the book because it happened when the book was already being edited, so I didn't, but I'm still getting drippings. I was told in this experience, more will be revealed to you when the time is right. And normally that'd make me crazy because I want to know everything now, but I was at peace with that. I was like, okay, because it was a lot. I was like, I can just get little drippings here and there. And the dripping one night while I was sitting here dealing with stuff with the book, only, you know, my husband and my editor were really in that with me at that moment. So they knew the story. And all of a sudden I realized Darby kidnapped me. He took me from that space from the hospital to the to the uh skybox I was in and before I got into the stadium light. I was super full, I was dying. And he took me and he brought me down here, and that's where I felt like I picked up the story. It kind of like the whole story kind of wrapped around how it went. Here I had it, and then I was I was like, okay, here's the rest of the story. This is what happened. And I was like, ran downstairs and I told my husband, remember this part? And he's like, Yeah, I go, remember when I was kidnapped? Yeah. I'm like, remember Darby? He took me. And I was like, oh my gosh. And I wasn't freaked out, I was just like kind of excited. I was getting like, oh, more pieces. So and a lot of people that is scared. They're like, that freaks me out. Like, but we're dying, we're vulnerable. It's things can happen. Okay. So he wants my light, they banter. My mentor, I really have a thing with people having my back. Like, I'm always going for the underdog and helping them. And it's like, feels so good when people have my back. Like, it's just a big thing for me, stick up for me, you know. And he really did that. He was just like bantering with Darby, and he's saying, You stole her light, and that is not yours, and you you didn't earn it. And I was like going, You go, you go, you tell him, you know. And so he finally they're talking about that, and all of a sudden I could feel that brightness and light from the stadium, and it's coming, and it's coming. And Darby says, The light's coming together, and I'm not going to be able to stop it. And my mentor said, Then let her go. So that ultimately he lets me go. I go forward and I look up on the right side, but way far back, and there's a mountain with one eye on it. And I saw it twice. I still don't know exactly, other than I don't feel evil. I don't feel I feel like it was protecting me somehow. It was like, like not just I'm watching you, but I'm protecting you. I saw it second time. I remember the thought came through my head, that's the second time I've seen that noted, right? And so then I walk forward again and I see this tree. Oh, and after the two years of hell, it was the most peaceful thing to see because when I was I was told two things in my near-death experience. So while we're branding retreat RR that I kept for myself and didn't partner with that billionaire company, um, I knew the logo had to have a tree in it. I never questioned it, no one questioned me. I was paying them to do the marketing. So it comes back and it had 11 leaves and 11 roots on it. And I never changed one thing. I was it was like I interviewed the guy later and asked him kind of his process of what anyway. It was such a cool story. And I saw it and I was like, I mean, I got out of the hospital at 11-11. Of course, my book launch was 11-11. My birthday's one one. There's just, you know, I mean, you know, numbers. This was just such a it was such a sign for me to say, Well done, you listened. This is what I asked you to do, and you listened, you did it. Like this was part of your story, and you didn't even remember this part. So there was that, and then I get over to the light, and I'm seeing all that matter now. I'm seeing it really the bright colors, but they're still forming hearts. But now, of course, they're going, they're in the light, so they're more going up than over. And I looked at them and they turned like a pink rose color heart. My nonprofit that I was told to start, we had a gala and our first fundraiser, every little gift bag I knew had to have a rose-colored heart in the bag, and I just put it in there. No one said, 'Why are you putting that in there?' I didn't either. I just did it, and when I saw that, it was the same thing. It was just like, Well done. You listen, this is part of you. Yeah, this is. And then I was told. So, first of all, I had time to think about why am I only seeing this life review and only seeing good? I had lots of time to think about that, right? So, of course, I asked when I'm in the hypnosis session, because I had already was like, okay, I wouldn't have thought of it before. So I'm reviewing the life review again, and I and I asked, Why am I only seeing the good? Like in my head, I'm thinking, I know I've done plenty of crap, why am I only seeing the good? And I never saw God, but man, that that's that voice, that message was so clear. And it was, I'm showing you the good because that's what matters. And it was just like, Oh, that's a God of love. Of course it is what matters, and that's what we should focus on. And so then he gave me a message that I will say, if I would have remembered from my near desk store original story, it would, I wouldn't have had that two years of hell, which now I know where all these things I was shown and had to go through for the future for lamp therapy that I'm doing. I feel like I was handed this life Bible with the ending written, and I have to write all the pages in between, which is pretty cool. Who gets that? And that message was love them where they're at, and that just shifted everything about the emotion around judgment around. And I thought I would have reacted so differently for those two years, like things would have just been so different. What I would ask myself now, and I will in the future, and this is advice to anyone listening if you're going through something hard as we all do, what can I do to learn what I need to learn to get through this faster? Like that's what I would have wanted to know. Two years is way too long. And that message just brought me so much peace. And then we went into the stadium of light, but he brought me out at that time, and I was kind of bummed because I really wanted to experience my concert again and of angels and you know, all the fun stuff I was seeing. But wow, it just was such a healing journey to be able to have that happen for so much closure. And I'm okay if I get little drippings. I mean, just figuring out the Derby thing, that was a little strange, but it's okay. Like I know that that is fine.

Speaker · 30:34Wow, Holly. Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. And I want to know, okay. So when you said the the two years of hell that you went through afterwards, was that predominantly from your experience and how it changed you in your relationships?

Holly · 30:51We have lost, I had to process. I was I was the funeral singer, you know, I had a voice and then Cove took it that away from me. But I sang at all these funerals, and we had lost, I lost a brother, a niece, and a brother-in-law in two weeks' time, two to a car wreck together, and then one suicide. So every weekend we had a funeral for three weeks. And then shortly after, my grandma passed away, and then my mom passed away just about 17 months before, and then I had a grandbaby pass away five months before, and I never had processed that grief. So I'm processing all of that while this is happening because now I'm processing someone who's living that I don't get a touch and hold and hug anymore. And that I mean, so there was just I had so much hate in my heart. Just like, why is this happening? Like, why do I have to go through this? You know, and so I think it was just all of that was happening, and and it didn't end well. So it was just like, I think I was just like, all that was happening all at once, and I I just I hadn't I had no desire to be here anymore. I was just like, I don't care where I end up, but anywhere is better than here. And so I think just working through all that and just having the heartbreak and but loving them where they're at, it would have it would have shifted so much more. But I know that I needed to see that, and now I know why I want to build wealth. I've never been money motivated, but I want to build wealth for the philanthropy work because I want to be a check writer. I feel like I already lived the ick, I don't want to be in the ick. Yeah, how much do you need to fix that? Because I don't have to fix it, I just want to pay someone else to.

Speaker · 32:26Yeah, and that does require money, and you're right about that. Does okay, so I have another question for you. I love that saying, love them where they're at. And when you were in the stadium and you could see the you said you could see the feet, but could you actually see beings or people around you? And if you could, what did they look like?

Holly · 32:46Yeah, I just remember more of a glow to people. Like I remember I saw feet, so I could see they were in bright and white clothing. I don't remember like, oh, that looks like so-and-so. Or I mean, I'm just not having any of that that thinking. They were definitely individual beings, though. That's why I say there were hundreds and thousands of them. And oh, I gotta share my spiritual transformative experience because that that a little bit relates to

Love Them Where They’re At

Holly · 33:13that. Um, is that okay? Please do. Okay, so that was my very last experience that I remembered. I could have had some out of body after that, but this was the one that was like the the health game changer of you're gonna live. So a cousin had texted my sister in the hospital. She lived in Arizona, we live in Utah, and she had said, Hey, I was praying for Scott and Holly's well-being, and I want to share this experience. I normally wouldn't text it, you know, because it's spiritual, but she needs to hear it. I wasn't doing well at the time. And so she, but I was coherent, I wasn't in a coma at that time. So they read it to me because I remember listening to it, thinking, Oh, that's so sweet. Good for her that she got that experience. You know, I remember these thoughts. Well,

Ancestors Chant Fight And She Returns

Holly · 33:56I must have took a turn for even worse. And they put me back in a coma. And while I'm in there, oh, I got angry. I was like, my prayers were changing at that time anyway, because I had been suffering a long time. And I was like, that's not fair. Why did she get that experience? And I didn't, you know, I'm the one laying here suffering. And my prayers were now like, hey, um, it's been a long time I've been in here, and I'm really not liking this. And, you know, if if you're not gonna get me better, then get me out of here. I mean, I was done. And when that happened, you know, I mean, what usually happens when we're naughty and and uh have to be put in check, usually mama shows up, right? Well, my mom had visited me several times there, and a lot of my healer friends had said, you know, your mom was with you. And they always talked about her being on my right side, which confirmed because she was always on my right side, but she had never spoken to me that I had remembered until now. So now she comes to my side and she's basically telling me, Hey, you're not supposed to be here. This is not your time, and you need to fight. And when she said that, my brother, who had passed on, um, who was an adult with children, he came over and I remember he kind of just put his hand, and he had done that before when I was in another spiritual situation. I I saw him. And he also came over to my mom in that experience and said, Mom's not going to be here long. She had Parkinson's. So that it was like, it was kind of bad again. It was like he puts his shoulder, like, I got you, you know. And as soon as she said, fight, though, above my bed, all of my ancestors come in white that had passed on, and you know, aunts and uncles, grandparents, anyone I I knew um for sure, were all there and they started chanting, fight, fight. Even my grandbaby was with them, and she died just five months before as a baby, but she was an adult, but I knew it was her. I guess I gotta see her in this like perfect form. So they start saying fight, and then every time the fight is said, more people and more people. So not the hundreds and thousands. Now they're in street clothes, so I know they're living people behind them, but probably tens of thousands. And they all are just there. And remember how I said I love to feel like people have my back. It was, it was that. It was like, oh my gosh, who I got it. I I got it. I'm not like I hadn't been fighting, but it was like, I got it. I I'm gonna live, I just need to keep fighting. And look at all these people supporting me. Like, I don't even know who most of these people are. And later I realized we were during COVID, so everybody was hanging on to social media. Most people didn't think I'd make it. They were checking social media every day to see was there a post, you know, that I'm gone. And I was on so many prayer lists all over the world. I think those are the people I saw. I saw every one of them. And I thought, wow, who am I not to fight when I have all this support? And it was just such a defining moment when it's like, okay, I'm gonna live. And it was a long road back, but I like I always knew that after that. It wasn't even in question, you know, was like I was gonna take a turn forwards. I just knew I'd live, but I knew where I'd go if I die. I was okay with that too.

Speaker · 37:02And I love that. And yeah, I remember that, Holly. And um, I was definitely in a prayer chain for you, praying for you every day and always checking, like, oh, let her be okay, let her make it. And I remember the day that you finally went home, and I was just like, hallelujah. And what really struck me too was I remember that right before that we had all gone to that piano bar. And do you remember we were all singing and dancing? And and I remember you saying, like, uh, you said something like, I can sing like Reba McIntyre. And I was like, Oh, I can't wait to hear you sing. And then it was right after that you got sick, and then you and then everybody was like, I don't know if she'll ever get her voice back. And I just remember praying, like, let her get her voice back, let her angel voice come back. And and here you are, and it's remarkable. And I have another question for you because I also had a spiritually transformative experience when I was very young. I was not allowed to remember any of it, except for being told I was not going to be allowed to remember any of it, but I could remember the music, and it seemed like the music was made of light, and so I'm curious when the when you heard that beautiful angelic music, did it seem like it was made of light? How did it seem and feel to you?

Holly · 38:10You know what? I should meditate on that because I've been asked that question or similar to it, because a lot of people say that like you see notes or you see sound, and and I I just remember hearing the music. I just remember I was so because I remember when I came back saying, Oh, it was the best concert I've ever been to, and it's in every newspaper. I'm like, we walk, you know. I was like, and and it's everywhere was so big, and it was the most angelic sound, and like the words I was saying, why couldn't anyone around me figure out what I was where I was? You know, I I had to figure it out on myself. I was really surprised for as spiritual as my family is, nobody figured that out. It was it kind of evolved. In fact, I just got off a call I was just on before, and a gal that was the first person I met that had in person had a near-death experience. She happened to be on this networking call. It was just like this group that was divinely called today to be there. And she said, I remember when I first met you, it was pretty close after. And she said, I came to you. She goes, Didn't I ask you if you had had a near death? Like she knew I wasn't even admitting it. She goes, You said yeah, I think I did. Like I was just so out of it. Yeah, I just thought, oh my gosh. And I just feel like like Reba, people always have told me I look like her, which is such a compliment. I love her, she's like one of my idols. And that being said, I'm hearing it a lot more now. And I just feel like every time someone says it, it's such a reminder. It's like, oh, you love her voice, you you know, and I I could get my singing voice back. I really believe that. But when I looked at it, it was gonna take an hour and a half day of work. I just I just haven't wanted to put that effort in. I mean, I could sing the blues, I really low.

Speaker · 39:46And it wasn't your spiritual mission, you weren't told to come back and sing, right? You were told to come back.

Holly · 39:51I bought sound bowls, you'll love this store. I bought sound balls a few about two years ago because I thought maybe it's not my voice I'm supposed to be making music with, and so and and I never unpackaged them. I actually just sold them like a month ago. I I just I was called to it and I was gonna do a whole program around it and and the notes and the message, and until uh until I feel like it's not the thing right now. And like I said, I I listen to the promptings, and when I get them, I do them. And that's why the retreat association now is like, no, this is my lane, everything else is on hold. I know this is where what I'm supposed to be doing, and a calling's so different.

Speaker · 40:27Yeah, and that that leads up to my perfect last question, which was well, two questions actually, before we get to the last question. When you talked about the matter that you could see around you and how you could like see through it, and then later you saw it again and it was interactive. So was it like a substance that was alive?

Holly · 40:45Oh, no one's asked me that, Joya. Yeah, probably. I I feel like I feel like there's so many little, you know, there's symbolism's really important for us to pay attention to. And I feel like I was seeing a lot of that that I don't even know that's more will be revealed to you when the time is right. That's like that faith and that knowing that, oh, good question. I don't know, I should meditate on that. Maybe I'll get the answer. We actually are probably gonna do another hypnosis center because our session, because he actually wants me to do one under plant medicine, which I'm not opposed to. It's just at first he asked me and I said, No, I said I don't feel like I need that. I just I just want to experience it. Now I'm kind of like, hmm, I could I could dig a little deeper. I'd be all right with digging a little deeper because I think there were more entities there that we didn't know. And so what else would I find out and uncover? I'm not afraid of any of that. I mean, I feel like I was already in the in-between. I mean, the only place I could have gone was to the dark side. I don't know, I don't, I don't think that'll ever happen. So yeah, how has this changed your life, Holly?

Peace, Calling, And What Comes Next

Holly · 41:50So many ways. I feel like I feel like life, life's definitely a gift. Um, I think we take advantage of a lot of things. I feel like I have I never had peace. I could never, I remember when I was going through my two years of hell, my sister saying to me, I just wish you could feel some peace. And I remember just like, what the hell is that? You know, and it's that was like four and a half years ago she said that. And now it's only been maybe not even two years. I have actually a metal sign right above me, right here above my desk that says peace, because when you I finally got what she meant, when I finally felt that now when you when you know the emotion, you can tap back into it. I mean, it's all up here, and I had a really good mindset. I had had years and years of personal development. I was trained in many, many things, many healing modalities, many hypnosis. So that saved me. That's another reason I lived because of the mindset. But again, I wasn't afraid of dying, I'm definitely not now. So I feel like, yeah, just every day reminding myself that piece, you can have that feeling, that joy. My mom's name was Joy, by the way. Um, and just that love and where they're at. I have I do have to remind myself that often because lately I've been getting triggered by a lot of things, and I'm looking at it going, oh, I felt this before. Like how I handled that before, is that how I want to handle it now? And you know, it's like, why am I seeing why am I having the same lesson again? And again, what do I need to do to get through this faster? What do I need to learn when I get through this faster? And then those experiences will hopefully stop repeating themselves, right? I sure hope so, because yeah, I this last three weeks have been really challenging and they're all around my calling, and so they're reminders, but it's also again like I'm building this huge thing bigger than anything I've ever built before, and the right people are gonna show up. So the ones that are showing up are teaching me who I don't want to be, what I don't want my events to look like, uh just these connections. And I'm like, that's okay, because now it's gonna leave more room for the people that are right and the ones that. Really care about the values and really care about building a good industry.

Speaker · 44:04Yeah.

Book, Retreat Work, And Where To Find Holly

Speaker · 44:05Share with us uh two things. Your what it is that your work is now, what your calling is and what you're building, and then also your book and where people can purchase it and anything else you want anybody to know about where and how to find you and what you have to offer to the world.

Holly · 44:18Oh, thank you. That's sweet of you. Okay, so the book's called Near Death Shift and Shifts uh what Dying taught me about life, business, and purpose. Never talk about that. I never had a purpose. I really feel like I never had a purpose before this happened. So I didn't mention that. That's the biggest thing, probably. So uh surrender, hope, intuition, faith, and transformation is the shift. It's part story. The second half is all like what I learned about that in the shift acronyms and helps other people. I couldn't do a book without it helping other people. Um, so that was that. You can get it, you can get it on Amazon if you want to sign copy or the Amazon link is on near death near deathshift.com. You can get it there. And yeah, while I was writing that is when I was gifted the idea of International Retreat Association. I had the retreat RR software company, but I didn't ever think of doing association. I didn't know one didn't exist. And I was really interested as soon as I realized there had never been one. Then I'm an early adopter. So I was like, just help me get my book done and then I'm all in. And and that's where I'm at now. It's just, it's just such a it's it's fun to get up every day. I I mean I've had 12 startup companies, but I've never done anything I hated necessarily. And if I got to where I didn't love it, I'm out. I either sold it, closed it, moved, whatever. I mean, it just to me, why life's too short to be miserable. And sometimes we get so stuck. And I know in in relationships we get so stuck. And my husband actually just we just decided to do our own retreat together. I've always wanted to, and he's like, I don't want to teach. He gets all scared because he's an introvert. I said, okay, this is it blended and united, and it's for blended families, uh, married families, so people that have gotten married, and we have eight blended kids, 19 grandkids. They're all adults, they're all still alive. So I think we did all right. And um, I think we can teach people everything not to do for sure, but we're gonna start those. And I'm so excited to be able to work with him because I said, You're only facilitating your own story, and you know the story, you know if it was a good ending or a bad ending. So he's he seems on board now. And anyway, so we're just starting to like put that out there, see how people of our own just because I think it's a brand to serve the people that really need it.

Speaker · 46:35Well, and there's so many families now that are blended that that definitely seems like it's a need that you can find. What is your website address where people can find you?

Holly · 46:45Well, the association's the name, international retreat association.com, Hollyporter.com for my personal stuff. Um, and I work, yeah, I work with people that want to have an idea to do a retreat, they just need some help. I'll do like, you know, a few sessions with them just to get it all created and and my other company I we're not gonna talk about right now because it's sunset, so I can really focus on the association, but the personal stuff and the retreats will help people with for sure.

Speaker · 47:13So you help people plan their retreats and where but they have their retreats and all those kinds of things.

Holly · 47:17I love ideas, I love creating. So, like a lot of people, they just they don't have that gift, like they have the gift of teaching or they're knowledgeable in whatever they're doing, but they just like everything scares them, like where, what, how. Um, there's so much to it, you know. But if they just need a little assistance, yeah, I I do that where it's more of a uh one-on-one stuff. Beautiful, Holly.

Speaker · 47:40Thank you for joining me and sharing your beautiful story and your energy and this message of love them where they're at. I absolutely love that. That's a game changer for anybody if they just adopt that one philosophy and practice it.

Holly · 47:54It'll be on a shirt soon.

Speaker · 47:57Beautiful. I'll buy one.

Holly · 48:00Well, thank you, Holly. It's been a pleasure. Thank you for having me.